Dating Advice = Gaming Advice?

One of my guilty pleasures is following advice columns: Miss Manners, Ask Amy, the Love Letters column in the Boston Globe, Carolyn Hax, Dear Prudence, a fair number over the years.  (And half the fun are the ones with comment sections; the peanut gallery for Love Letters is especially raucous!)

One is a column by a chap named Harris O’Malley (doctornerdlove.com), whose particular specialty is dating/relationship advice as directed to geek/nerd subcultures.  He’s got a particularly pithy, jocular style, and advice I wish I’d had 40+ years ago, so as to have dodged some bad decisions and notions.  An example is one of his standards: to wit, it’s not that Nice Guys Finish Last, or that women really get off on Bad Boys treating them poorly.  It’s that while the Nice Guys are moping in silence, hoping against hope that their virtue will be rewarded -- without them ever sticking a toe in the water -- the Bad Boys aren’t hesitating to actually ask the women out.  Using their words.  Unambiguously.  Go figure.

You may be asking yourself, by now, what the merry hell this has to do with tabletop gaming?

Simple.  Just read on, and I’ll run some bulletpoints of the good Doctor’s standard lines:

1) Stop Taking Advice From People Who Hate The Folks You Want to Date: Something O’Malley riffs on a fair bit is the incel crowd, especially on places like Reddit.  To quote: “The appeal ... isn’t advice so much as catharsis. It’s about having people tell you what you want to hear while also yelling at the folks who stubbornly insist on dating people who aren’t you. So much of the advice is a tell, revealing their own fears, angers and insecurities.”

And doesn’t this apply to gaming forums, in spades?  Posters are screaming constantly, inflating minor misunderstandings to cause celebres, debates to rage wars, and disputes to “Gaming is ruined forever!!!”  Every issue needs to be war to the knife.  A game system that doesn’t reflect your every prejudice and preference is worthless and needs to be discarded.  Paizo putting a couple LGBT NPCs in with a hundred straight NPCs means that they’re taking over!!  How dare WotC make racial alignment optional??? 

It's not actually "discussion." It's baying at the moon.  No one needs to fall into their rabbit holes.  Beyond that, the Internet being the Internet, controversy drives page views.  Start a thread titled "I Like D&D" on a popular forum, and it'll get a dozen laconic responses and peter out in three days.  Start one called "Only Losers and Scum Like D&D," and that'll be a hundred posts deep in four hours flat, rage on for weeks, and provoke permabans.

2) Know What You Want (And Own It): To quote O’Malley, “A smaller pool that consists entirely of folks who want what you want is far better than a huge pool of people who don’t. The former means that you’re dating people who crave the things you have to offer. The latter is a series of bad first dates and frustration for everybody.”

This is likewise one of my common riffs, if applied to gaming; I’m a staunch partisan of the premise that no gaming is better than bad gaming.  I’ll compromise on the things that don’t much matter to me, one way or another, but not on the things that really do.  At my age, I’ve had my fill of settling. 

Does that mean I have a smaller pool of potential players?  Yes.  Yes it does.  But it also means I have far fewer false starts, people who don't click with my style, people whose style I don't want at my table.  Especially with gaming going online, though, that pool is FAR larger than it ever was before.  One of my current players lives in Croatia; one lives in Germany.  I've never met them in the flesh and likely never will.

3) Embrace Honesty and Clarity: “We all have a tendency to assume that we’re all reading from the same handbook and playing by the same set of rules. It’s all too easy to think that our understanding of the rules and definitions of terms are not only the correct ones, but that they’re universal ... If you want dating to suck less, then you need to focus on clarity and mutual understanding. In fact, you may need to do so to the point of bluntness and beating someone about the head and shoulders with a clue-by-four. In practice, this means saying what you actually mean in a clear and understandable manner, rather than talking around it or using colorful but confusing or misleading language. If you’re saying “yes” to something but what you say doesn’t actually include the words “yes”, “I agree”, “let’s do that” or something equally clear, you’re going to run the risk of being misunderstood ... Somebody who dodges direct questions or won’t give you a straight answer has a vested reason to prefer confusion to clarity, and it’s never in your benefit.”

A long bit of quoting there, but once again, remove dating from that, substitute gaming, and this remains very sound advice.  Beyond that, a common feedback O’Malley gets from people asking for his advice is that if they are clear about their wants, needs and dislikes, they’ll scare people off.  To which O’Malley’s common response is: good!  Because, he feels, someone who just isn’t into the things you are is self-selecting out of your dating pool.  Do you want to date a heavy drinker if you’re a teetotaler?  Do you want to date someone who desperately wants children if you desperately don’t?  Do you want to date a rabid red-stater if you’re a rabid blue-stater, or vice versa?  Not unless you’re planning to waste that person’s time and yours for something that won’t end well.

And the same thing applies to gaming.  If you just can’t handle hack-and-slash, be honest about it.  If you absolutely have to play D&D 5th or bust, be honest about it.  If the thought of gaming over Discord leaves you cold, don't agree to it.  If you hate the thought of being in the same gaming group with That Guy, don't sign off on it.  Don’t be afraid to advocate for your must-haves/can’t handles.  Don’t be afraid to walk if you don’t get an answer you can hack.  There's always another table.  There are always people looking for games/GMs on Reddit or Discord.  There's your local FLGS, your local gaming convention, your local college gaming club.

4) Take People As They Are (Instead of Getting Mad For Who They Aren’t): “Part of dating means accepting people as they actually are, rather than trying to mold them to your expectations. It doesn’t matter how universal you think your expectations are, nor how much better things would be for them if they would act just the way you want them to.  Letting your expectations overrule their reality is a recipe for conflict and heartbreak ... Demanding that they stop being who they are for you is a bad idea and – spoiler alert – it never works anyway ... You don’t get to force them to change. And if you can’t accept it or respect it… well, hey you know where the door is.”

And this is the corollary to #3.  Something to which O'Malley alludes is the danger of assumptions: that what you're used to is the only way to go, that the mores and practices of your social group are universal standards.  This is far more prevalent in gaming circles: so many of us play in small, insular groups, taught by our friends, with a hazy grasp of the printed rules, going by the houserules and customs of the band.  At my table, PvP is a mortal sin; at many others, backstabbing is standard operating procedure.  Romance is a common element of gameplay at my table; at many others, well, I've posted about that one.  I get very frosted if a player gets it into his head that I'm the enemy; at a number of tables, the players who don't recognize that the GM is out to get them are fools.

Something that often crops up on gaming forums are people who are just plain mad at those chowderheads who Just Won’t Game The Way I Want.  They won’t read the rules, or they won’t give me face time, or they won’t try the Great New Game I Just Bought, or they just won’t play the way I want them to play, on and on and on.

And one just gets the idea that they’re just waiting for a bunch of strangers on the Internet to agree with them, so they can whirl in righteous vindication at their gaming group, and cry out “SEE?!?”

Spoiler alert: it never works anyway.

30 (+) Obnoxious Cultural Traits

There's a current (well, recently necroed) thread on my favorite gaming forum of 101 Obnoxious Cultural Traits.  Diving right in, herewith are my entries so far, for your own use and edification! If you feel some of these reflect real world cultures, you may well be right ...

"We're all badasses!  Can't you see the skull?"

1) They are relentless exceptionalists. Their culture/nation is just superior. Everything they do is better. Every institution they have is superior. Their blood is purer. Their crops are taller, their livestock is bigger, their children are smarter, their hats are wider, their music is louder, their sports are more "manly." It isn't even as if they feel they're in a competition: they think they already won them all a long time ago. Any evidence to the contrary is just white noise, and met with bemused, patronizing smiles.

2) As a variant of the above, they feel their culture is the center of the universe. Everyone else is a barbarian, and they just can't wrap their heads around dealing with outsiders except on terms of supplicants kowtowing to their masters. They're always right, everyone else is always wrong. 

3) They are rabid libertarians. The notion of a "common good" is sneered at, never mind sacrificing to achieve it. Any hint at restraining their "freedom" must be the result of malice, a vile conspiracy or enemy action. (Somewhat more obnoxiously, their notion of "freedom" suddenly comes to a screeching halt when it comes to how YOU act towards THEM.)

4) They loathe and despise another major culture/nation. Nothing from that culture can be any good. No one from that culture is any good. Having so much of an ancestor of that culture defiles you irrevocably. The laws notwithstanding, crimes committed against people from that culture are no more credited by the authorities than crimes committed against a cockroach. That other culture/nation is plainly out to do them down, and must be opposed at all times and at all hazards, reflexively.  If an actual conflict breaks out, it's war to the knife.

5) Their notion of driving comes, one might joke, from demolition derbies. They hurl their vehicles forward at reckless speeds. Traffic laws, driving lanes, curbsides, these are designed to be flouted. Other vehicles, obstacles, buildings, these are expected to yield or vanish at their approach. Their attitude towards pedestrians is apparently that they collect points for mowing them down, like a pinball game. Being a passenger in their vehicles feels very much like you're on the wrong end of a cavalry charge.

6) Their notion of formal courtesy is staggeringly complex, and lacks any sense of a guiding principle: there are just rules upon rules upon rules. There aren't merely a few forms of address; there are hundreds. It's not that the rules themselves are incomprehensible, it's that there are so damn many. Failure to conform with each and every one of them tags you, irrevocably, as a barbarian.

7) Likewise, they have a complex code of behavior based around clothing, jewelry, face painting and/or tattoos. Where and whether you wear a stud of a red stone in a gold setting, versus wearing a blue stone in a silver setting, announces that you're in a committed monogamous relationship, versus being up for one-off sexual encounters with strangers in the nearest convenient alley. (Or so it would seem.) This code signifies area of birth, political or religious affiliation, the whole works. Wearing the items the "wrong" way is Not Done ... well, other than by adolescents trying to shock the squares. They all reflexively assume outsiders are familiar with and are conforming to the code, and are very wrongfooted if this isn't the case.

8) Some common terms in their language are vile obscenities in yours, or vice versa. "Good morning, how are you faring?" is their standard greeting, and the words in your language imply that the speaker personally facilitated your spouse becoming a diseased prostitute.  The very name of their people, in their own language, is an obscenity in yours.

9) They are a homogeneous society, exclusively of an insular ethnic group. They will learn the language of another culture only grudgingly, and practice elements of that culture in like fashion, like someone scrunching up their faces and holding their noses. Intolerant of immigrants, outsiders in their homeland are stigmatized and relegated to menial or dangerous professions. Marrying outside their culture is unthinkable.  They tend, generally, to be isolationists.

10) In a more extreme fashion – tip of the cap to Prof. Barker! – the culture is downright xenophobic. They won't even pretend to tolerate the practices of outsiders, nor soil their tongues with barbarian languages.  Foreigners had better stay in their insular cantonments after business hours (and will be cheated and derided during them), or risk running into gangs whose idea of fun is impaling them.

11) They just don't get the practices of other cultures. They're not unduly mean or rude about it, nor are they haughty over the correctness of their own culture, but they can't comprehend deviations from their own practices, no matter how often displayed or repeated.

12) They're inveterate and reflexive duelists. They're touchy about a lot of things, and an insult can only be wiped out in blood: there's pretty much a duel going on all the time in any city (and they're outright spectator sports).  The code duello is comprehensive and well-known. Declining a duel provokes the same horrified reactions as urinating on an altar during a religious service might.

13) Speaking of which ... they don't have much body consciousness regarding evacuation. Publicly urinating or defecating is the norm. Dropping trou to wipe their genitals with a cloth -- oh, hey, your handkerchief will do, much thanks! -- is common.

14) They are extreme xenophiles. Everything other cultures do is Neat! and Cool!  A product wrapping, a business sign, these are invariably in some other language (and they're often careless about the translation).  They give their children foreign -- or foreign-sounding -- names.  They're passionately interested in every difference, and regard every manifestation or behavior you might make as potentially some new Neat! and Cool! practice. They want to know All About It! Why is it you rub your chin like that? Did you get that from your parents? Is that a religious thing? Neat!

15) They have an extensive caste system, and everyone has their place within it. The system's very rigid, and rules govern how you treat people at every rung; violating these rules isn't merely a social offense but a religious one as well. They seek to fit you into a slot, and are visibly uncomfortable with those who do not fit.  However much they grudgingly recognize that other cultures don't play by their rules, it's hard for them to deal with and it shows.

16) The culture is just reflexively and mindlessly cruel, compared to yours. People think nothing of lashing lower-status folk with barbed quirts or whips, mutilating servants, putting animals to painful deaths just for the heck of it.  Athletic events which don't draw blood are for wimps. Outright executions take hours, and are spectator sports, with families bringing lunch baskets to the party, and the executioners take payments to cut off this part or that. How much am I bid for a finger? C'mon, you can do better than that! What's that you say, you call dibs on the left testicle? And so on and so forth.

17) A staple livestock (treated routinely as food in YOUR culture) is regarded as sacred. The animals are inviolate, allowed to wander around as they please, breeding and eating as they will. Just touching them is suspect. Molesting or impeding them will earn you a beating at best. Actually harming one will subject the perp to a gruesome death; being burned alive is standard. Eating the animal's flesh (or using its byproducts) is considered cannibalism and sacrilegious, and being known to be from a culture where that happens marks you as suspect. Accusations are routine and often knee-jerk: you'd better not sport a feather in your hat, if you don't want someone to scream that you plucked it from a sacred chicken ...

18) Some common practice is fetishized to the extreme. Let's take the color yellow, for example. Everyone wears it. No one's seen without it. Great care is taken to keep those yellow articles of clothing spotless and pristine. Spitting on something that's colored yellow is a near-sacrilegious act. Insulting the color absolutely is. People will stop and pray for a minute before whipping an egg yolk ... or doing anything that will harm or mar something colored yellow. "Sash-smearer" is their worst insult (referring to those unutterable louts who spill sauces on their yellow sashes). Even down to everyone daily consuming enough of a certain herb to ensure that they don't disrespect the revered color through urination. Pardon me, sir (delivered in a chilly tone), why aren't you eating your mlekil-root? What does its taste have to do with it?

19) It's an equestrian culture. Possession of a riding animal is a prerequisite to being treated as a real person, and one's skill at riding is paramount in determining status. All art and architecture is suffused with references to riding. Combat solely takes place mounted, and being dismounted or having your mount killed automatically means you yield/surrender. People would rather ride twenty miles than walk one. The very word for "human" in their language is literally "one who rides," and someone unable to ride (through inexperience, no talent, disability or age) is no longer treated as an adult, and will not be trusted with any responsible position.

20) No negotiation, no business dealing can be concluded before several rounds of their bitter, foul-tasting, very heavily alcoholic national drink. Wincing, flinching, or gagging means you're less than a real person. Never mind -- the gods forbid! -- declining.  What?!  You refuse to drink with us!?  (cue hand dropping to sword hilt)

21) Insults are the common way of treating other people. Greeting your best friend or spouse with "How goes it, you ugly goatfucker?" is considered a basic sign of affection. By contrast, treating someone with formal courtesy is considered insulting.

22) All foods must be prepared in a certain way (particular to each food or dish), and only in that way. You can only eat omelets; scrambled eggs are taboo. You can only eat broiled steaks; panfried or steak stir fry is right out. You can only find skim milk; whole fat milk doesn't exist. Etcetera.

23) Lying is a serious sin in this culture, and on the one hand that's a good thing. But the flip side is that people are seriously gullible, and will swallow the most bizarre delusions, if delivered earnestly enough. These are the people who believe in Pizzagate, the Piltdown Man, blood libels, Satanic ritual abuse, evil clowns, that the 2020 election was rigged, that the presence of wizards in neighborhoods cause people to become sterile, that the world will end on Kelusse 15 at two hours to sunsdown, and that the Martian War Machines will be responsible. They're altogether too easy to cheat or scam ... and altogether too willing to tear suspected cheaters and scammers to pieces, if the bastards are outed.

24) Religion is omnipresent to an overbearing degree. Prayer is a part of all business. Attending daily services is a must, and the truly pious squeeze more in. No home is without a niche to the gods/ancestors/spirits, and the poor beggar themselves for candles and offerings. Incredibly arcane -- and near-trivial -- facets of the faith are exhaustively contentious and continually debated, and riots have started over whether their god has two natures but only one will, or two wills and only one nature. (That particular riot ended when the two sides joined forces to attack the faction holding that the god had an equally balanced number of wills and natures: heresy!) An economically draining and disproportionate number are in the clergy. They're aware that outlanders hold to different faiths, and don't harass them for it, but it's all very tiresome.

24b) Come to that, take just about any aspect of life -- sports, politics, literature, leisure pastimes -- and apply the same treatment. Everyone reads all the time, no one's considered educated or a grown-up without being familiar with the entirety of the culture's literary canon, constant debates over New Works vs Traditional Works, fist fights over whether the newest translation was botched, people who can't whip out quotes at the drop of a pin derided for being bumpkins, society coming to a screeching halt when the Greatest Living Author comes out with a new book, society coming to a screeching halt for the state funeral when the Greatest Living Author kicks it. Etc.

25) The society's pretty straightlaced, nose to the grindstone, work work work. But at quitting time on Friday (or the equivalent thereof), all hell breaks loose. Everyone gets hammered, everyone gets laid, everyone dives into a completely over the top bacchanal. Kick the gendarmes in the jimmies, smash windows and furniture in the ensuing drunken stupor, empty your gun into the ceiling, throw up on your boss after pointing at her husband's crotch and laughing, it's all laughed off: "Whiskey, eh." At dawn the party stops, the cleanup begins, and everyone makes a point -- or that's the ideal, anyway -- of not mentioning it.

26) The culture has no sense of privacy. Everyone's in everyone else's business, all the time. It's only mildly suspect to come home to find a neighbor rifling through your papers and cabinets. Evasive or non-answers (or, gasp, locking one's door) invariably provoke a startled "Whaddaya got to hide?"

27) The culture has a fetish for divination. Everyone looks for omens for everything. The bones are cast, or the cards are read, or the entrails are examined for auspicious days to begin any significant undertaking. You might have to dodge passersby on the streets who are staring straight up, trying to discern patterns in the clouds or the flight of birds. No one will conclude serious business with you before consulting their fortuneteller, or asking you your birthday so they can have their neighborhood astrologer cast your horoscope.

28) The society highly values the ability to withstand pain. Ordeals are rites of passage, and torture the answer to just about everything. Showing fear under threat is shameful, keeping silent under torture is what separates persons from non-persons, and only silent deaths are considered honorable.

29) The culture's never shaken its nomadic roots. Buildings -- and they're never more than two stories -- are constructed with only three walls; the fourth is invariably of heavy canvas, leather, wicker or some other impermanent substance ... wattle-and-daub at the utmost. It's considered decadent to own more than you can carry in a wagon, or any one object too heavy to put in a packsaddle. The mark of how close your folk adhere to cultural purity is whether or not you go through with burning down your entire city once every twelve years -- as was done in the old days -- and rebuild it a mile thataway. Large-scale industry is disparaged in favor of handicrafts.

30) People speak what's on their mind.  It's not quite that they can't lie, or hold a secret, but they're seriously blunt, they have no social filters, and furthermore everyone's expected to take it in stride.   

31) Steel is sacred. Steel is holy. You proudly display your weapons, that all may honor them. You care for your knives like you would for your young. Better than. A rust spot on your blade, a notch, a pit ... and you have insulted Steel itself; you are not fit to live! (And you must die by stoning -- no steel must be sullied with your polluted blood.) A man whose weapon breaks is as good as emasculated. Your wealth must be spent on the finest scabbards, silver wire for the hilts, beautiful gems for the pommels. Only the best whetstones will do. Master armourers are the leaders and arbiters of society. Hail to Sacred Steel!

... stranger, where are your blades? (narrow stare)