Designing A Fake Cult

As I’ve said before, RPGs generally suck at portraying religion.  My quote from seven years ago is that all most RPGs give us are variations of "Bunsgrabber is the God of Partying Down.  His alignment is Chaotic Horny.  He is depicted as a young man with a great tan, wearing cutoffs of purest gold.  His priests always wear sunshades and strange caps with horizontal visors pointing backwards, and his High Temple is at the coastal fort of Lauderdale." 

Don't forget the cool outfits and at least one hot cult leader.

Then you have the bullshit concept that latter editions of D&D pushed that it's possible to be a legitimate cleric, with legitimate healing and blessing and clerical powers, just by hooking up with a "philosophical concept" – in other words, a cheapass dodge for players who wanted to have the cool powers without having to follow any of those boring roleplaying constraints, follow any doctrine or dogma they didn't write themselves, or take a stand on anything.  And this goes a fair bit back: a player in M.A.R. Barker’s campaign in the early 70s reported that how his fellow players handled the religion-soaked environment of Empire of the Petal Throne was to throw gold at the temples and otherwise ignore them.

So it was surprising when a forum thread asked how one would go about designing a fake cult in a fantasy setting, and so many of the posters reacted with shock and horror.  Impossible! they said.  Everyone would Know!  Nonsense, said I.

I don't see, for instance, a single bit of difference, observable to a casual onlooker, between a priestess waving her hands in the air, shouting "May the great god Mitra grant us light!" and the room filling with light, and a wizard dressed in clerical vestments, waving her hands in the air, shouting "May the great god Bunsgrabber grant us light!" ... and casting a light spell.  If the paradigm of the common folk is that the gods grant their priests supernatural powers, well, a wizard can wear pseudo-clerical vestments, stand in a "temple" and work supernatural powers.

But, you say, how is the fake priest going to turn undead?  Easy.  "The great god Bunsgrabber is not a *weak* god, and He does not cowardly hope that the Unlife will just run away!  This is how Bunsgrabber deals with the Unlife!"  Cue fireball hitting the zombie dead center.

But, you say, how is the fake priest going to heal people?  Easy.  For one, you deter the casual and the unfaithful.  "The great god Bunsgrabber is not a whore god like all the rest!  He grants healing only to His sincere worshipers!"  There in one fell swoop you take care of 90% of the supplicants.  For the handful you genuinely want to heal -- or the rich folk you want to think of themselves as True Believers -- just to make the scam look good, you invite them to drink from the Sacred Chalice upon which the Great God Bunsgrabber has breathed His mighty breath.  (Cue wind spell.)  That's the chalice you spike with a healing potion.

But, you say, how is the fake priest going to raise the dead?  Easy.  You don't.  "What is this blasphemy you speak?  Do you not know that the great god Bunsgrabber has vouchsafed your beloved dead a seat on His Great Comfy Waterbed, attended by the requisite seven Angels In Spandex?  How can you be so wicked as to wish them to return to this world of suffering and pot bellies?"

But, you say, how is the fake priest going to bless people.  Hm.  Pretty much the same as clergy bless people today worldwide, however much we have no objective proof that gods exist.  Nonetheless, billions of people seek out those blessings, and believe in their efficacy when they receive them.

But, you say, won’t the other gods object?  I don’t see it, myself.  The frequently parroted shibboleth of omnipresent, interventionist deities bears surprisingly little resemblance to common gameplay, even in D&D circles. Honestly, how often have you seen gods physically appear in your own campaigns?  And in how many campaigns are there two dozen, three dozen (... more?) gods?  How many schmuck peasants keep track of them all, and how would they do so in any event?  Not like they could try to pull up an article for Bunsgrabber on Wikipedia ...

And even so, speaking of that: here’s an example IN the modern age, where factchecking is at everyone’s fingertips.  Take a look at the whole Church of Satan deal and its offshoots.  Many really do believe in them.  Yet Anton LaVey said openly in The Satanic Bible that to a degree, it was all hooey: "Satan" really didn't exist as a real being, LaVey wasn't shy about admitting it, and all the mysticism and trappings LaVey put in the book was pretty much out of his entirely defensible position that mankind has a demonstrable love for mysticism and trappings.  A philosophical concept, huh?  Guess LaVey would've made it as a D&D cleric.  But I digress ...

Nah, this'd be a slam dunk in most any realistic fantasy setting.  (And if fantasy settings were somehow immune to grifters, how do thieves manage to survive?)